Don't have a Heart Attack...Seriously.

So after I went to bed last night I noticed that my heart was racing a little, and then doing "weird" things. I had Eduardo listen to it and he confirmed that it was beating really fast, then pausing, then beating regular all in different intervals...and that's what it felt like. I get that once in a while, but usually it goes away. Well, last night I dreamed about it all night, I was trying to explain to people, (my mom, the doctor) what was happening, over and over. And then when I woke up this morning it was STILL happening! I got freaked out, and almost went to the hospital, but then I texted Dad, and he said that's what happens to him sometimes, and it's just anxiety. I felt much better to know that I'm not dying, so that was a relief.  But that didn't stop it from happening and scaring the shit out of me all day long! I am super exhausted, and my back hurts, and I'm all tense. It really sucks!

Especially because I wasn't feeling stressed! Emotionally I've been feeling pretty good lately, so I don't think that's it, but...I still hadn't given my two weeks notice as of this morning, and it occurred to me that it might be stressing me out more than I think, and maybe that's why this is happening. So I did that first thing when I got to work reasoning that if it was causing me stress then it would go away after I finally sent the letter. But it's been coming and going all day. It was pretty bad about 10 minutes ago, but I feel slightly better now. At 11:11 this morning I felt totally normal. And I feel like I am freaking Eduardo out, but I am also freaking myself out! And I can't seem to make it stop. I tried meditating twice, but I had no luck. It's really hard to focus when it feels like my heart is shouting
"Oh shit! This is it! You're gonna die now!.....Just kidding. I feel better now. You're fine. You're not going to die...Everything is going to be just...No! Wait! You are gonna die! You are gonna die! I can't hold on anymore! Seriously it's going to happen any second now!...No...hold on...I'm feeling a little better... yep, everything seems normal again. Woohoo!...Wait, what the....Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! Nope. I was wrong! I was wrong. I'm dying! I'm dying! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!"

WTF is wrong with me?!

Anyway, so while all of that was going on I was at work so I also sent the letter, like I said, giving my two-weeks notice, something I've been dreading with all my heart (no pun intended). I was desperate, and suddenly it didn't seem like such a big deal to resign if it would make that awful feeling go away. It didn't. And I sent Julie all the paperwork back, signed. I have to send her proof of funds tomorrow so Eduardo and I are going to work on that tonight, getting everything together. 

Work was pretty silent on my resignation. I got a brief letter from my boss wishing me luck, and that was it. No one else has said anything. I only sent it to Ted and Pat, so maybe no one else got it yet? I don't know. I guess I don't really care at this point anyway. Oh crap...there it goes again. It's like my heart is moving around inside me. Ugg...

I'm meeting mom at Panera for a "celebration" of me quitting my job, and then I am going home and flopping on the couch, or maybe taking a bath and then flopping on the couch. I don't feel much like celebrating, but she insisted, and I didn't think drinking would be a good idea with my "heart condition", so that's why we chose Panera. And it will be good to spend some time together before I leave, so really it is a good idea. And maybe it will take my mind of my crazy heart.

Holy crap though, I can't wait for this day to be over. Seriously.