Nightmares and Voices

On the whole I've been feeling a little more positive about the pending move. Or maybe it’s because I am home, and feeling safe and comfortable again. Eduardo and dad found another house, and they seem excited about it. They are going to look at it today I think. I still have many moments where I have this...weird negative feeling about moving though. I can't tell if it's more because I don't want to leave here, or if it's more that I don't want to be there. Maybe it's a little bit of both. I moved away from there when I was 18, and there was a lot going on in my life and in our family, and it wasn’t the best time for me. Lots of not-so-great memories. I never planned on going back, and even now I don’t plan to stay long.

I had a distressing dream this morning. Eduardo and I were living in Port Huron, working at a McDonalds and living in an apartment that was attached to the back of it. Lol. It was pretty silly in retrospect, and totally unrealistic, but it was also TOTALLY terrifying. Our "home" was surrounded on 3 sides by the asphalt of a drive-thru, and on the fourth was the door into the restaurant. Needless to say I was pretty relieved to wake up in my own bed.

Me at work.

There are so many reasons I want to move, there are even more reasons why I think it's a good idea for Eduardo and I to give it a go. And I would love to live close by Dad again and be able to hang out whenever we want! But I cannot change the feeling I have that we shouldn't give up our life here, even though it doesn't have much potential for growth, even though I don't love my job, even though we are just barely getting by. I can't shake it either. It's just weird. And it's always the worst when I just wake up. I think about moving, and that inner voice in my head sits up and says "Are you fucking kidding me? Why on earth would you ever leave here unless you had to?"

But then I think about it and all these good reasons for going make it make more sense again, and...I just don't know what it means.

I think about spending the next ten years renting an apartment, tripping over all our stuff in our tiny space, going from paycheck to paycheck, sitting for days on end at my desk at work with nothing to do, and I know I don't want that. But there was a lot of good stuff in there too. Going out downtown, our trips to Tahoe, Yosemite, Vegas, hiking St. Josephs hill, Santa Cruz, the weather...

I really am excited for the chance to fix up a place, to get a dog, to have time to write, to explore new places, but in between is the reality of living in Port Huron, and all the negative vibes I have from when I was younger, and the uncertainty of how much money we will have and what kind of lifestyle that can support.

Uggg....I know, I know. I just go in circles. I just can't tell if I should listen to that inner voice, and trust it, or ignore it. I don't know if it's my "gut" talking, or if it's my fear. If it's the former I should heed it, but if it's the latter then I definitely don’t want to. I don't want to make decisions in my life out of fear. I keep telling myself that, and it’s the truth. But it doesn’t feel like fear, it feels like…reasonable doubt or instinct and it’s just so hard to ignore.

And over all of that, I wonder how shallow I really am that I am placing so much importance on this place or that? It shouldn't matter where I am as long as Eduardo and I are in a good place in terms of each other. I really believe that. I think as long as we go into it with a positive perspective and a healthy relationship, it really won't matter where we are. But then where is my positive attitude, and why am I making such a big deal out of this?  I’ll tell you, sometimes it is so exhausting to be me.

Wishy-Washy Me

My Haiku of the Day

I'm being so wishy washy. It's really annoying. And I feel really lame. But I don't mean to. I don't WANT to be. I’m exhausted and there are turning out to be lots more decisions than I was expecting, and it's all so overwhelming even though I know it shouldn't be. Two nights ago and yesterday morning I felt like walking away from all of it, the house, moving to Michigan. I was feeling extra homesick, and I was longing for something, anything familiar and known, and comfortable. I know Los Gatos inside and out. I literally know every pothole in the road there. I've lived there for 10 years, and I've loved it for 10 years. I have a lot of memories there, I know my way around, there aren't many surprises. I like that. I love that. I miss that. And so I've been moody and quiet and confused and sad, and a general all around depressing downer to be around. 

Eduardo said he was ok with doing whatever I wanted, including staying put in California. And that helped me feel a lot less pressured, and was actually a huge relief for me that I don’t have to worry about disappointing him. Now that I think about it, it was the most wonderful thing he could have said to me under the circumstances. It didn't fix anything really, but it made me feel a whole lot better. But I still had some hard choices to make.

I decided last night that if we get the house for $40000 I'll make the move, and make the most of it.

The hardest part is being in the middle where it could go either way. From this position it's hard to let go of either option because both could still happen, and  we could choose one just as easily as the other. And so I keep going back and forth. When I think things might swing one way I suddenly find myself leaning the opposite direction. If we knew one way or another what was going to happen with the house, I think that would help me out. If I knew for sure we got it, then I could focus on that and just not look back.

The Let Down

11/26/13

So it's the same day, only later. After amazing pep talk I gave myself, I went to the real estate office only to learn that we can't have the septic tested/inspected because the water has been turned off. And the reason the water was turned off was because there is apparently a pretty substantial leak "somewhere". Enough to rack up a $500 water bill in two months last February! It might have flooded the crawl space which would explain why all the vinyl flooring is peeling up, and why there appears to be so much moisture damage inside and around the return vents in the living room. I called dad not knowing what to do. This morning we were going to offer $55k for the house when we thought it was on city sewer and had working water. I don't feel comfortable offering that now. Even though it would be a super lowball offer, I don't think we could justify offering more than $50k. If we have to get a new septic that would be around $5k, and by the time we pay for inspections and have the plumber come out and look at whatever the leak is, that will run $500-1.5k or so the agent estimated.

I don't know whether to keep at this place, or just let it go and keep looking. I guess we know why it hasn't sold yet. But I guess for the right price it might still be a good deal. That’s what Dad thinks, and Eduardo too. It feels like the more we learn about the house the more strikes there are against it. And they are adding up. I don't know what I think. I am getting cold feet again.

I'm trying not to get discouraged, and I don't want to give up too easily, but when is the right time to let something go? How do you predict when something is going to be much more work than you thought and you aren't prepared to handle it.?We thought this was going to b a "touch up" kind of job with paint and tile and a new roof. But now it's broken pipes and water damage, and a septic system that may or may not work. Maybe this is just the way that the kind of places we can afford are going to be. Maybe the only places we have a chance of making a profit on are going to be the ones that the more savvy investors don't want to bother with, but is that a good idea for us to get involved with something like that? We have Dad's experience which is a help for sure, and he seems totally unphased. Should I be too?

I don't know wha I think. And Dad is leaving tomorrow for Wisconsin, so we need to decided whatever tonight and let the agent know...But all I want to do is make a nice dinner and sit around and watch Christmas movies.

I'm not sure if I'm much wimpier than I thought, or if I have a legitimate excuse to feel so utterly exhausted.

The drive out here was a nightmare, Memere dying, and me not making it back it time for the funeral was stressful and disappointing, and then worrying about my work and quitting, and having enough money, and paying back our loans, and finding the right place, and deciding how much work we can handle, and what it's going to cost us, and trying to realistically anticipate the possible unexpected expenses without letting it get us down...I've just been going from one stressful thought to another for the past 6 days. Over and over, and I’m not sure how much of anything I’ve got left in me. So much for big decisions today. I am not looking forward to tomorrows pep talk.

Just Do It Already...

What I look like when I'm making big decisions.

It's been a hectic few days here. I should have been writing every day, but I haven't had the energy. which usually means I'm overwhelmed. Just the thought of trying to explain how I feel is overwhelming!

But let me try.

Saturday Dad, Eduardo, Jon and I went to look at the Meadowlawn house. I was pretty amped. It's really nice from the outside, and it has a GREAT yard! It does back up to a gas station, which is potentially a problem, but a fence would probably take care of that. Anyway, the yard was huge, and had nice trees and was framed with pretty reeds. I could totally see bon fires and playing catch with the dog out there.

Except for the roof the house looked ok from the outside. It needs new gutters, and some landscaping, but really that's just clean up.

We went out to lunch and discussed financing, deciding it might work better for us to borrow money and make a low cash offer, rather than try to qualify for a mortgage. (I tried to get one myself on the way out here through Wells Fargo, but they denied me because my income to expense ratio was 55%, and for a second residence (which is what I was applying for) that is really important)).

We decided if we could borrow from DMI, Jon, and Eduardo's brother, plus what we have, maybe we could swing it.

Eduardo had to call his brother, but I was feeling optimistic, and I really liked the place. I could see myself in that house...at least for a few months, and the proximity to Starbucks, Panera, Meijer, Buffalo Wild Wings etc, is hard to beat. I actually LOVE the location.

Yesterday we went to look at the inside. We met the agent at 5:00, and it was freezing and dark. There was no power for some reason, so we had to go through the house with flashlights. It was like a dungeon.  All of the charm was gone. The house smelled smoky, and it was cold. It appeared to be in worse shape than it looked like from outside. There was leaking from the upstairs bathroom, and around the doorwall in the master bedroom, broken windows, the nicotine stains on the walls alone were pretty depressing. There was popcorn ceilings, the tiniest foyer I've ever seen, and some awkward layout. There was mold, and the flooring was all super awful. I felt pretty bummed. Dad however seemed confident that we could handle everything except the roof. And I'm inclined to believe him, but it just seems like it could add up to an awful lot of money. And it seems like maybe more work than I was expecting.

After looking at the house yesterday I think I was seeing the glass half empty rather than full. It suddenly felt super risky and overwhelming. I got cold feet. Both literally and figuratively since it was like 28 degrees in there. We came home and talked about it, and after I relaxed a little we decided that we still wanted to go ahead and make a cash offer of $55,000.

Then this morning we found out from the realtor that the house is on a septic, not city sewer like the listing said. So that's another blow. It could reduce the resale value by $5000 or more. And who knows what condition it is in, or if it’s even working? Dad doesn't seem too worried about it, saying that most of the houses up this way (with the exception of Port Huron) are on a septic and everyone is used to it, but I don't know. I think most of the houses there in Fort Gratiot are on sewer, and I'd be hesitant to buy a place in that area that didn't have it. I personally would be more comfortable on city sewer.

We all discussed it, and after I calmed down for the second time we called the real estate agent, and she said we could write an inspection into the offer. We discussed it more, and Dad convinced me. So we are going to go ahead and offer $55,000 pending the inspection.

I called her back and made an appointment for 11:30. Dad and Eduardo went to work on a tile job, so now I’m just sitting here, by myself, waiting to go. And I feel like throwing up. Lol! Isn’t that awful? It's not that I don't want to make the offer, it's just that I don't have near enough experience to be confident that the decisions we are making are the right ones for the situation. I trust Dad, but at the end of the day this is our decision, and “our” money, and we need to make the decisions and remember that WE are responsible for what happens, not Dad. I don't want him to feel responsible for this, and I have to make my own decision for myself. But without his opinion I would be completely lost. It’s all very confusing. And I have a lot of doubt right now. More than I’d like. I'm thinking to myself, why hasn't the house already sold? Why with all the “good” (and I am using that term loosely)  things about it is it still on the market? I'm wondering if it's still a good deal if we it for $55k? I'm wondering if in 4 months I'll be kicking myself for buying a place with a septic tank? I'm wondering if I'm just overreacting? I wonder if I'm underreacting? I wonder if buying this place is worth quitting my job in California? I wonder if we really have the potential to make $30k on it or if $15k is closer to the reality? I wonder if I'll be really disappointed if we put a lot of work into it and no one wants to buy it?

All these things are running through my mind, but I'm still going in 45 minutes to make an offer on it. In case you haven’t noticed I am totally FREAKING OUT.

Dad seems so calm about it, and I understand that he has been through this enough times to not be as nervous as Eduardo and I are. And intellectually I know that this is not the end of the world, whether we get it or not, whether it sells for more or not, but....if I am being totally honest, I FEEL like it is. I feel like we are right at the very edge of the world, dangling over a very steep precipice by nothing but our fingernails.

First of all the money we are borrowing from our families. That is a lot of pressure, and I hate being in debt. It will by far be the most debt I have ever been in, in my life. Second our whole life in California.  It might not be ideal, but we still worked very hard to get it. All of that is on the line with this purchase.  I'm considering trading a balmy and comfortable life in Cali for a stressful, unpredictable (but adventurous) life here in the snow-covered, frozen Midwest during the armpit of winter. And I'm doing it by betting on THIS house. And I have to tell you, right now, that sounds crazy. I literally feel like a crazy person right now.

I mean, is it even reasonable to think that I should not be freaked out about this? Is that even fair? I thought I’d feel so different when I made my first offer on a house! I want to be excited, and super stoked, but I’m nowhere near that now. Instead I'm feeling anxious, and unsure and sort of terrified, and nauseated. I'm suddenly wishing Eduardo and I were home in California right now, sitting on the couch watching TV, with a normal week behind and ahead of us. I don't want that for my whole life, but I really want that in this very moment. How absurd is that? It annoys me that I feel that way because I know it makes no sense. But I’m trying to be as honest as I can about this whole thing, and the truth is I’m feeling irrational, and I’m freaking out, and I feel like shit. What else can I say?

Moving from Los Gatos to Port Huron makes without the financial chance to get ahead, and that's why we are doing it, but...uggggggg! It's so hard.

At the same time I know that change, and the big decisions that predate it, always feels this way. Every time I have been through it, it feels the same. It scares the bujesus out of me, and it’s hard, and I’m nervous.  I also know that no one can make the decision for me. I have to do it, for myself. That’s why it’s so hard. Because I'll be the only one to blame if this turns out to be the dumbest thing I've even done. And I know that how I feel right now is not what I should be basing my decisions on, so I am going to go ahead with this because it's what I THINK is the best thing for Eduardo and I. Even though it doesn't feel like it.

I’ve been here before, and I understand what is happening, and I have to trust myself. I know what I want, but my fear is trying to convince me I feel differently. And I don’t want to make decisions, or not make them, because I am afraid. Nope. Not gonna happen. Not to this girl.

It's time to put aside these unruly thoughts, swallow the barf that is creeping up my esophagus, and do this!!!  It's time to move forward! It’s time to ignore the voice in my head screaming “Don’t do it! For the love of GOD, DON’T DO IT!!!!” All attempts at humor aside, it's time for me to put on my coat and my best game face and go to the real estate office and make an offer… that will probably change my life as I know it. I feel awful. But fuck it. I’m going anyway.

Life is Always Too Short

I'm on my way home from France. I it's just as well. I feel like there is so much happening in our family, and I have so much to do at home that it was getting a little frustrating being so far away and not being able to do anything about it. So it's good that I'm on my way back.  We found out that Memere is not doing well at all. I don’t know if I am more sad for me or for mom. Since Memere is probably not going to last much longer I think I will drive with Eduardo this Thursday when he heads back to Michigan. I think I will stay over Thanksgiving, spend some time with Memere if I can, and if not, then spend the additional time with the family and be there to support Mom. I think I can swing it with my work. That way Eduardo and I can also look for places and he won't have to spend Thanksgiving alone, and we will be together. It just seems like the right thing to do in the situation. I am going to have a crazy week ahead of me though.

I need to get pre-qualified for a mortgage tomorrow too, just to make sure that information is in place when we need it. And I need to find out from Dad if that house in Fort Gratiot is still on the market. We could have an offer in by next week if I can get the mortgage thing sorted out before we leave. So much to do!

I am still a little nervous about quitting work, but only in a sort of surfacial way. As soon as I think about it for two seconds and realize that this is my chance to break free of all the monotony and boredom, all my hesitation goes away.

Despite the fact that I barely slept last night, I've been on a plane for 5 hours and have 6 more to go, and I'm overwhelmed by everything that is going to happen as soon as I get home, I am feeling pretty optimistic today. I think it;s because of Memere, as strange as it sounds. I'm am feeling really sad that Memere is going to die, that’s probably why I am writing right now, and rambling as I go…. I'm just trying not to think about it really until it happens. But I am thinking about it, and it has reminded me of how short life is, and how little time there is to really enjoy it, and how much better spent it would be without my incessant worrying. And I feel a little guilty for feeling this way, but I am suddenly just feeling really happy to be alive, and having (I hope, assuming this plane I'm on doesn't crash into the Atlantic) the next weeks, and years ahead of me to do whatever I please.I feel like I've just won the lottery! I don't know how I can feel that way, or if it's even appropriate under these circumstances. I think I would be more sad if I didn't think she was ready to go.  I'll tell you though, it really does put into perspective a lot of things. I suddenly feel compelled to really just focus on the good things in life, and be optimistic. I just wish this kind of clarity could last all the time, and not fade away after a couple weeks. I know I for one would probably take a lot more risks...and quit worrying so damned much.)

So, with that in mind, it looks like Eduardo and I will be able to spend Thanksgiving together. And I will be able to go to Michigan with him. If we can still get that house, we will be together when we make an offer on it. If everything goes according to plan then we can move in January like I wanted with no problem. Or later if the timing is better then.

I'm feeling pretty good about letting my work know that I'm leaving. I'm looking forward to a new life and a new routine. Eduardo and I will be together more!!! Woohoo! We will have projects to work on together. I might start a home improvement blog, or document our 1st reno project. I might see if those teaching positions at SC4 are still available. I might see if I can write once or twice a month for the Times Herald or something. I'll have my pups and get a new gym membership, I'll run and start a completely new workout regime. Maybe Eduardo and I can get a punching bag and set it up in our garage or something and keep up with out kickboxing? We will have new restaurants to try, and the lake will be super close by. We will get to hang out with Dad more, and Uncle Jack and the family here, and in the spring I can plant an herb garden if I want. We will have new weekend destination opportunities when work is slow, or we just need a break. We can head up to Mackinac for a couple days, or Green Bay or Chicago. We will only be an hour from Frankenmouth and the giant Christmas store! We can try home brewing, and spend snowy days at home together working on the house or watching Supernatural reruns or playing with the dogs.

I don't know why, but suddenly I am feeling inspired!

From France

Having coffee with Mom in Metz!

I've been talking to Eduardo a little since I've been in France, and I guess a lot is going on in my absence. He might have to go to Michigan as soon as the end of next week, to work with dad! Thats so fast, and not a lot of time for preparing or planning anything (both of which I am normally inclined to want to do). Now all of the sudden Eduardo is probably going to be in Michigan for Thanksgiving:( That just super bums me out. I thought we'd be together while going through this transition time (i.e. while I am freaking out about everything and all the decisions we will have to make. But now I'm here for another week then he will be in Mi for three weeks after that! This is not what I was hoping for. A month apart during the time when we are making some of the biggest decisions of our adult lives? Lame. But what can we do?

So I guess now he will go with dad to look at places and stuff, and we will just have to talk on the phone about all our plans. I kinda was hoping we would be able to do it all together. But maybe that’s not necessary really.

But still, Eduardo will miss our football games together, the Christmas Party for my work and the Parade downtown, and all the fun Christmas stuff that I had planned for us:( I guess we have to do it, it just really sucks. And it's not like I don't have Mom and Daniel and others to share Christmas with. I do, and they are wonderful, but Eduardo has always been there as well, and I'll miss that part.

So I have been scouting out plane tickets from here, and looking at train schedules (for Eduardo maybe to spend Thanksgiving with his family in Chicago), and trying to figure out how to apply for a mortgage online...

The whole thing just feels really stressful to me right now, and not any fun at all. And I feel like it won't be any fun for us to do together, because we won't be together. Boo. And on top of that we are going to miss most of our holiday season together. Our last Christmas in California for a while...

I still want to move, but this is happening so fast, and not at all in the way I was hoping. I don't want to go into Eduardo and my first big move feeling crappy about it. But now I'm feeling rushed, and sad. I know it sounds dumb to be worried about getting our Christmas tree when we are trying to buy a house and move, but I look so forward to the holiday season. It really is kind of a big deal for me.

I guess I'll stop now, it's only making me sad to write more.

The First Time

The first time we saw her...

Getting ready for work this morning wasn't as awful as usual, I think because daylight savings just took affect. So I was up "early" and managed to get here on time.

Already I have nothing to do, which is why I am able to write. It could be another really long day...

I think my opinion about whether or not we should move is directly correlated with how many hours have passed since I sat at my desk at work and had absolutely nothing to do. Because right now, I'm already feeling like I should be somewhere else, doing something else. It's not that I don't enjoy sitting, having coffee and writing here....it's just that I have that feeling...that feeling like everything is passing me by. Like I'll look up one day from my computer screen and be 44 and not have any idea where the last ten years have gone. In a way I already feel like that, and I don't like it. I've spent the last five years (at least) taking the safe road. And the truth is, it hasn't been all that bad. But it's not what I wanted. Not really anyway. And while it is true that I have really enjoyed the stability of it, the cost has been boredom. I don't mean boredom in the day to day sense, because I am almost never bored. But I mean in the big picture. From where I am sitting now, there is no "big possibility" no chance to make a killing, or get ahead. There is no gamble, nothing like that.  Things will just stay the same, except maybe I could get laid off if things slow down too much. It will take me 50 years to save up enough money to buy a house, and who knows I might be dead by then anyway. If I stay here it will be work as usual except for the budgeted $2000 a year for a week in Hawaii or Florida, and maybe an occasional trip home. Because that is all we will be able to afford.

I wish I could just keep my job for a little longer and still move to Michigan. That would make everything a lot easier for me to decide. Even if I didn't get insurance or any of that. If I could keep my job, at least part time, and be there...it would be great. At least to start.

So Dad went to look at another property this afternoon, and he sent me a text saying he thinks this could be "the one". It's the best one he's seen and his agent thinks there is the potential to make up to $30,000 on it if it's done properly. That is way more than we were expecting.

He sent us the listing, and I have to admit I think the place has great curb appeal, and has great bones. The kitchen is open to the dining room, and there is a library/loft area, and it has an attached garage. The location is in Fort Gratiot, which isn't exactly what I was hoping for. But if the resale potential is that high, I can deal with it. THat is the point after all. But now I'm feeling a little nervous. All these thoughts are going through my head. How long do we have to decide? How much will renovations be? Are we ready to move? How soon would we have to move? How long would it take us to do the renovations?  Ahhhhhhh!!!!

There is the possibility that our investment company (the one my brothers and I started) could buy the house, and Eduardo and I pay for the renovations. I'd be fine with that, and then just pay back DMI with a percent of the sale. It would be much easier for us to handle money-wise as well.

We are going to call my dad tonight and see what he thinks about all of this.

Up and Down and All Around

Monday morning meetings...will I miss this?

A weird thing happened to me this morning. And it's the second time it's happened in the span of a couple months. I woke up, and the first, the very first thing I thought, was that I am 34, in 6 years I'll be forty, that my life is at best, a third over, that in 16 years I'll be 50. And what will I have accomplished?  I almost felt like I was another person observing myself. It was kind of terrifying. As I woke up more, the frank truth of the state of things faded to it's normal mildly alarming state, but...geez.

It occurred to me that starting a new "career" whether it be house flipping, or whatever now may not be a good idea. It might not be the "smart" thing to do. I feel like I’ll blink and then suddenly be forty and….what if this gamble doesn’t pay off? What if I can’t make ends meet? What if this is my one chance for a career and I blow it? I'm not saying it can't be done. I'm just saying it probably should have been sorted out 5 years ago. I'm saying I'm probably 5 or 10 years behind anyone else doing whatever it is I want to do. Except at my current job. There I am right on track. I started that "career" at the right time, and I'm at the right place for my age.  

In my half asleep assessment of my life that seemed like the best thing going for me. Steady, good paying job with benefits, and manageable hours. Not too stressful either. And for the most part not too hard. That has me feeling really confused at the moment since my job has been the thing I'm feeling the most excited about getting out of! Maybe that shouldn't be the case though. Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong?  I know it's a great job, but I keep telling myself it's not what I want to do (and it's not), but then in the larger picture, of my whole life and all that other scary crap I was thinking about this morning, it suddenly seems like the best option I have. You always hear people say "you don't know what you have till it's gone." I don't think that would apply to me and my job, but then why did it seem so good for that split second before I was totally awake?

Anyway, that has got me thinking. Sure moving would be an adventure, and I am ready for that. But there will be a lot more stress, and tough decisions, and unknowns involved. And this morning in my dazed semi-consciousness  it just seemed crazy that I'd trade my job, and our quaint life here, for that. But is it really?

Ha. I'm up and down everyday. Maybe it's good that I am going to France for a week. Maybe being there will give me some perspective that I can't get when I'm in the middle of it here.

*It’s a little bit later now, and I am feeling better.  I was in the mood to clean, so I decided to take advantage of that and go through some of the more daunting cleaning projects. I went through all the drawers of the desk, and the back closet (minus my holiday stuff). Eduardo did some cleaning of his own.

It feels so good to get rid of things. I don't know why I don't do it more often!. I am the kind of person who tends to hold on to things a little too tight, especially when I am feeling nostalgic or sentimental (both of which happen from time to time). And I get bogged down in all of it both emotionally and physically. And the older I have gotten the worse it has become. I have no idea why though. Most of the time I am not even aware of it, but then I'll suddenly notice something I have had forever and realize I stopped liking it about 10 years ago. Then I am forced to ask myself then why in the hell do I still have it laying around? Why is it so hard to get rid of? I almost feel like after a certain number of years you can't get rid of things, like they have somehow acquired tenure or something and can't be tossed out. But that is not true, and the more I hold on to stuff, the more I feel like I'm facing the wrong way, focusing on the wrong direction.  

I used to almost exclusively look ahead, but that hasn't been the case the last few years, and maybe that's another reason why I am so ready to move. I want to look forward again, and that's hard to do right now when nothing scares me anymore, and there are no unknowns waiting for me tomorrow, and no challenges to pit myself against. How can I even tell what sort of person I have become when the biggest choices I make in a week are where to go for happy hour? That's what I feel is at stake if I keep my job. I'll never know what kind of person I am...or maybe I would? Maybe staying, if we decide not to move, will tell me exactly who I am. And right now I'm more afraid of being that person than making the mistake of quitting.That is why I feel like I need to quit and go. Because that is what the person I want to be would do.

But now I'm getting a little too philosophical, and I am too tired for that right now. Sufficed to say,

it's all very confusing. Anyway, my excitement about moving, or the possibility of it, got me in the mood to get rid of the old, and make way for the new! I see my stuff differently in the light of a possible move across the country. There are some things I certainly want to take. But I'm realizing that a lot of the stuff I've dragged around Florida and then California, I'm ready to finally part with. I don't want to go to start the next chapter of my life knee deep in the last 10 years. It's time to move on.  

The First One that Got Away

Reject number 1

Today I am feeling a little nervous. It's not any one thing it particular but a combination of a bunch of small things that has me feeling...concerned. Just the fact that I already have concerns after one day of quasi-deciding to go for the move is a concern!

Yesterday when I got home Eduardo asked me if I thought moving was the "right thing to do", as if I really might have a definitive answer to that question. It makes me think he is having second thoughts. It makes me think maybe he is wishing we'd just stay here? Why else would he ask me? And the truth is I have absolutely no idea if it's the right thing or not. How can you even tell? Things get too deep and philosophical as soon as I start contemplating that question, and I don't have time to go down that rabbit hole. (But just a fair warning, knowing myself I probably will expound upon it at length at some point...)

Another thing is that the house that I liked the best (we've compiled a list of possibilities and dad is back there checking them out for us) turned out to be a total no-go. It was so bad he didn't even bother to send us additional photos. I know, of course, that it is much too early to start getting attached to places, especially if our intention is the fix it up and flip it, but somehow it happens anyway. That's how my brain works. I see a place and then try to imagine us living there. If I can see us barbecuing in the back yard, or curled up on the couch in the living room watching football, then it has a chance. If I can imagine playing with the dog in a foot of snow in the back yard, or sitting on the patio watching a thunderstorm, then I can say to myself, yes, that's someplace people would want to live. That's a place other people would spend money on. That's the kind of place where holidays are celebrated and life is enjoyed. (And I can tell all of this from blurry photo's on Zillow. Ha ha.)

If I can't see any of those things then...well, it's tough for me to be on board with it. If I can't picture myself there, how could anyone else? Fortunately (or not) I have a pretty big imagination, so not too many places really turn me off. But on the flip side, then I find myself feeling like I do, strangely attached to houses and things that were never mine in the first place. 

Anyway, dad went to look at this cute little place on our behalf yesterday and...it failed miserably. The pictures lied! (Gasp! I know, can you believe it?) It was in worse shape, and smaller, and less insulated, and a whole bunch of other awful things I can't remember, than we were hoping. But for the miserable reject of a property that it was I'd already imagined standing out on the front steps in the middle of a crisp winter morning, sipping a cup of coffee and squinting into the sun while the dogs chased a squirrel all over the front yard making bizarre tracks through the freshly fallen snow! I'd already pictured myself and Eduardo in the garage working on our car (some kind of classic that we don't own yet), me handing him tools and sipping a home-brewed beer while the dogs sleep on the floor and a summertime rain patters down gently outside. But now those things will never be. And it makes me feel sad even though I know it's ridiculous and silly of me. Anyway. I guess I should try harder to be more careful about my wandering imagination. Or perhaps I should not look at houses when my hormones are doing whatever they tend to do at certain times of the month...

The third thing that's got me anxious is money. Where will we get enough to buy the house? How will we pay for our expenses? How will we live before we sell the house?

Yeah, so anyway, I'm feeling a little discouraged and anxious today. I'm sure it will pass, and things will be brighter tomorrow. And I'm not so discouraged that I want to give up or anything, I just think it is important to document both the good and the bad, the highs and the lows of this process. Today just happens to be the latter.

The Beginning of the End

Beautiful Los Gatos, California

I've decided to keep a journal chronicling my intention to move from California to Michigan. I say intention because at this point I am not 100% sure we are moving yet.

And for some reason the phrase "The beginning of the end" has been bouncing around in my head ever since we decided to consider it. I don't know if this should worry me or not. I mean, it doesn't always have to imply something ominous and foreboding does it? For example, the beginning of the end of a 15 hour plane ride would be pretty great. Or the beginning of the end of a root canal would also be something to look forward to. But I don't know. Does that seem like a weak attempt to convince myself?

Anyway, maybe I should start a little further back, and fill in a few details before get too far ahead of myself.

I live in California. I have for about ten years. And I don't like to live in California, I LOVE to live here. I love the San Francisco Bay Area. I love how I can spot home by the way the mountains bend together against the horizon. I love the town I live in. I love the summer jazz concerts under the redwoods, and the Christmas parade every first Saturday in December, and how I recognize all the homeless and crazy people in town. I love the way the redwoods and pines smell at after the first rain in the fall, and the sweet scent of the  parched, yellow grass at the end of summer. I love the familiar drive out to Yosemite and Lake Tahoe. I love the picturesque drive down the 101, and the vineyards in Napa. Oh yes, I am serious. I really love it here.

So why in the hell would I consider moving, you ask? Well, here is the thing. I do not love my job. It's an excellent job, don't get me wrong, probably the best job I've ever had. But it's not what I wanted to do with my degree. It's not what I want to spend the next 20 years doing. It has gotten to the point where I feel like the life is being sucked out of my body every time I step into the office. And I am compelled by some strange and disturbing force to notice on a hourly basis that my life is racing by as I sit and earn my living. I feel like I am in an empty room watching all the choices I can't make (because I chose to be here) fly past my window on the way to some other person or life. I know that sounds a little melodramatic. But that is how I am and that is what it feels like.

The other thing is slightly more practical and that is, it's just too damn expensive here. To buy the tiny 600 sq. ft. condo we live in would cost about $500,000, plus a $550 monthly HOA. There is literally no way we can afford to buy here...ever. We can't even afford a double-wide trailer if you can believe that. I once saw a yurt for rent here on Craigslist for $500 a month. For those of you who don't know, that is basically a tent. And it was being rented for more than most houses are in other states! AND it was in a nudist colony up in the mountains, which in my opinion should decrease the value substantially. Ri-freaking-diculous! But moving on...

I guess now would be a good time to introduce the other half of the "we" I just mentioned. That would be Eduardo, and he really is my other half. We met about ten years ago, and have been together pretty much ever since. We have almost nothing in common except we both like the Green Bay Packers and agree that the best fried calamari in town is at Steamers. Other than that we are almost entirely opposites. We don't like the same kind of music, food, activities, interests, hobbies, we don't have the same kinds of personalities, or opinions, or anything else I can think of. We don't have similar backgrounds, or religious inclinations. Our native languages aren't even the same! Yet we are great together. It's truly a mystery how we have lasted this long when we can't even agree on what tennis shoes in a display window are the coolest looking pair. Yet here we are. Maybe it's because we have fun together, and live well together (in the same cramped space) that we have made it. Maybe it's because we are honest with each other always, and know that every day is a choice to be together. Maybe it's because we never quite know what to expect from each other, and can always make the other person laugh. I have no idea. But anyway. That is who I mean when I say "we". I mean Eduardo and I. 

So anyway, this past summer we both found ourselves thinking about the same thing. And that was "Is this how we want to spend the rest of our lives?" Sure it's been great fun living here, and exploring the state, but do we really want to be living in the same 600 sq.ft. apartment, paycheck to paycheck, at our not-so-perfect jobs, five or ten years from now. And we realized the answer was no. No, we don't want to always live without a back yard or a place to store bikes. On a personal level, no, I don't want to sit at my desk at work, or go out to construction sites every week for the next decade. I want to try something else

And what are these “something else’s” that are so compelling that they tempt me to quit the best job I've ever had and journey cross-country into the unknown wilds of the Midwest? I want an adventure. I've enjoyed the stability and routine of my life lately, but I'm just itching for a little unpredictability and excitement. (I hope that doesn't come back to haunt me!) I’d like to set my own work hours.I'd also like to own a house, and flip it maybe, and be able to set my imagination and creativity free on it. And finally I want a dog, two actually. I've wanted a dog for...ever, and I've never had one and I'm sick and tired of it! I am an adult in my mid thirties goddammit! I should have a dog if I want one!

I know what you're thinking. Or at least I think I do, because half of my brain is thinking the same thing. I want to give up a pretty sweet and secure life in wonderful California for a little adventure, a house, and a dog? Is that insane? (Especially since I could accomplish at least a couple of those here.) Probably. But the answer is yes. Yes, I think I do. I'm not 100% sure. (But I don't think I've been 100% sure about anything I've done in my life.) But I think I want to give it all up, everything I've worked for here, and try something new. It sounds crazy, even to me. And it sounds risky, and scary, and will probably be fraught with unexpected obstacles and disappointments and who knows what else I am not expecting. But I still want to try. And I wonder whether this will put a strain on my relationship with Eduardo, and whether we can handle the cold, dark winters. But I still want to try. I try to imagine living without the luxuries that I have become accustomed to, that I love, that are abundant here. I think about giving up my kickboxing classes, breakfast at the Cafe, Sunday morning market and football at the LGBG, Vic Sauce, and Jazz on the Plazz. And although my resolve begins to falter a little, I think yes, I still want to try.. Or I think I do...my palms are sweaty all of the sudden and my heart is racing a little. And I wonder why I hesitated on that last "yes". "The beginning of the end" pops back in my head, and I'm back where I started. But like I said before, I don't know what it means.

Introductions

Introducing Miss Meadowlawn Dr. Our first remodel!

This blog is going to be about our adventures in remodeling our first place. I'm a little late in starting it, since we already bought our house and begun renovations, but I have been keeping a personal journal ever since we decided to seriously consider it, so what I plan to do is post those entries for anyone interested in getting the full scoop on how this whole thing came about. And then hopefully I will continue on with more current news as we go along. It should be exciting because a.) We moved across the country into the middle of the worst winter the Midwest has seen in years to start this little journey, and b.) I've never bought a house or remodeled anything before in my life. Good times.
So, whether you plan to join me full time, or just check in once in a while to see how much trouble I am getting myself into, it should be an adventure. Read on to get the full scoop on how Miss Meadowlawn Dr. came to be ours. Deep breath and...here we go!