On the
whole I've been feeling a little more positive about the pending move. Or maybe
it’s because I am home, and
feeling safe and comfortable again. Eduardo and dad found another house, and
they seem excited about it. They are going to look at it today I think. I still
have many moments where I have this...weird negative feeling about moving though.
I can't tell if it's more because I don't want to leave here, or if it's more
that I don't want to be there. Maybe it's a little bit of both. I moved away
from there when I was 18, and there was a lot going on in my life and in our
family, and it wasn’t the best time for me. Lots
of not-so-great memories. I never planned on going back, and even now I don’t plan to stay long.
I had a
distressing dream this morning. Eduardo and I were living in Port Huron, working
at a McDonalds and living in an apartment that was attached to the back of it.
Lol. It was pretty silly in retrospect, and totally unrealistic, but it was
also TOTALLY terrifying. Our "home" was surrounded on 3 sides by the
asphalt of a drive-thru, and on the fourth was the door into the restaurant.
Needless to say I was pretty relieved to wake up in my own bed.
 |
| Me at work. |
There are
so many reasons I want to move, there are even more reasons why I think it's a
good idea for Eduardo and I to give it a go. And I would love to live close by
Dad again and be able to hang out whenever we want! But I cannot change the
feeling I have that we shouldn't give up our life here, even though it doesn't
have much potential for growth, even though I don't love my job, even though we
are just barely getting by. I can't shake it either. It's just weird. And it's
always the worst when I just wake up. I think about moving, and that inner
voice in my head sits up and says "Are you fucking kidding me? Why on
earth would you ever leave here unless you had to?"
But then
I think about it and all these good reasons for going make it make more sense
again, and...I just don't know what it means.
I think
about spending the next ten years renting an apartment, tripping over all our
stuff in our tiny space, going from paycheck to paycheck, sitting for days on
end at my desk at work with nothing to do, and I know I don't want that. But
there was a lot of good stuff in there too. Going out downtown, our trips to
Tahoe, Yosemite, Vegas, hiking St. Josephs hill, Santa Cruz, the weather...
I really
am excited for the chance to fix up a place, to get a dog, to have time to
write, to explore new places, but in between is the reality of living in Port Huron, and
all the negative vibes I have from when I was younger, and the uncertainty of
how much money we will have and what kind of lifestyle that can support.
Uggg....I
know, I know. I just go in circles. I just can't tell if I should listen to
that inner voice, and trust it, or ignore it. I don't know if it's my
"gut" talking, or if it's my fear. If it's the former I should heed
it, but if it's the latter then I definitely don’t
want to. I don't want to make decisions in my life out of fear. I keep telling
myself that, and it’s the truth. But it doesn’t feel like fear, it feels like…reasonable doubt or instinct and it’s just so hard to ignore.
And over
all of that, I wonder how shallow I really am that I am placing so much importance
on this place or that? It shouldn't matter where I am as long as Eduardo and I
are in a good place in terms of each other. I really believe that. I think as
long as we go into it with a positive perspective and a healthy relationship,
it really won't matter where we are. But then where is my positive attitude,
and why am I making such a big deal out of this? I’ll tell you, sometimes it is so exhausting to be me.
