The First One that Got Away

Reject number 1

Today I am feeling a little nervous. It's not any one thing it particular but a combination of a bunch of small things that has me feeling...concerned. Just the fact that I already have concerns after one day of quasi-deciding to go for the move is a concern!

Yesterday when I got home Eduardo asked me if I thought moving was the "right thing to do", as if I really might have a definitive answer to that question. It makes me think he is having second thoughts. It makes me think maybe he is wishing we'd just stay here? Why else would he ask me? And the truth is I have absolutely no idea if it's the right thing or not. How can you even tell? Things get too deep and philosophical as soon as I start contemplating that question, and I don't have time to go down that rabbit hole. (But just a fair warning, knowing myself I probably will expound upon it at length at some point...)

Another thing is that the house that I liked the best (we've compiled a list of possibilities and dad is back there checking them out for us) turned out to be a total no-go. It was so bad he didn't even bother to send us additional photos. I know, of course, that it is much too early to start getting attached to places, especially if our intention is the fix it up and flip it, but somehow it happens anyway. That's how my brain works. I see a place and then try to imagine us living there. If I can see us barbecuing in the back yard, or curled up on the couch in the living room watching football, then it has a chance. If I can imagine playing with the dog in a foot of snow in the back yard, or sitting on the patio watching a thunderstorm, then I can say to myself, yes, that's someplace people would want to live. That's a place other people would spend money on. That's the kind of place where holidays are celebrated and life is enjoyed. (And I can tell all of this from blurry photo's on Zillow. Ha ha.)

If I can't see any of those things then...well, it's tough for me to be on board with it. If I can't picture myself there, how could anyone else? Fortunately (or not) I have a pretty big imagination, so not too many places really turn me off. But on the flip side, then I find myself feeling like I do, strangely attached to houses and things that were never mine in the first place. 

Anyway, dad went to look at this cute little place on our behalf yesterday and...it failed miserably. The pictures lied! (Gasp! I know, can you believe it?) It was in worse shape, and smaller, and less insulated, and a whole bunch of other awful things I can't remember, than we were hoping. But for the miserable reject of a property that it was I'd already imagined standing out on the front steps in the middle of a crisp winter morning, sipping a cup of coffee and squinting into the sun while the dogs chased a squirrel all over the front yard making bizarre tracks through the freshly fallen snow! I'd already pictured myself and Eduardo in the garage working on our car (some kind of classic that we don't own yet), me handing him tools and sipping a home-brewed beer while the dogs sleep on the floor and a summertime rain patters down gently outside. But now those things will never be. And it makes me feel sad even though I know it's ridiculous and silly of me. Anyway. I guess I should try harder to be more careful about my wandering imagination. Or perhaps I should not look at houses when my hormones are doing whatever they tend to do at certain times of the month...

The third thing that's got me anxious is money. Where will we get enough to buy the house? How will we pay for our expenses? How will we live before we sell the house?

Yeah, so anyway, I'm feeling a little discouraged and anxious today. I'm sure it will pass, and things will be brighter tomorrow. And I'm not so discouraged that I want to give up or anything, I just think it is important to document both the good and the bad, the highs and the lows of this process. Today just happens to be the latter.

The Beginning of the End

Beautiful Los Gatos, California

I've decided to keep a journal chronicling my intention to move from California to Michigan. I say intention because at this point I am not 100% sure we are moving yet.

And for some reason the phrase "The beginning of the end" has been bouncing around in my head ever since we decided to consider it. I don't know if this should worry me or not. I mean, it doesn't always have to imply something ominous and foreboding does it? For example, the beginning of the end of a 15 hour plane ride would be pretty great. Or the beginning of the end of a root canal would also be something to look forward to. But I don't know. Does that seem like a weak attempt to convince myself?

Anyway, maybe I should start a little further back, and fill in a few details before get too far ahead of myself.

I live in California. I have for about ten years. And I don't like to live in California, I LOVE to live here. I love the San Francisco Bay Area. I love how I can spot home by the way the mountains bend together against the horizon. I love the town I live in. I love the summer jazz concerts under the redwoods, and the Christmas parade every first Saturday in December, and how I recognize all the homeless and crazy people in town. I love the way the redwoods and pines smell at after the first rain in the fall, and the sweet scent of the  parched, yellow grass at the end of summer. I love the familiar drive out to Yosemite and Lake Tahoe. I love the picturesque drive down the 101, and the vineyards in Napa. Oh yes, I am serious. I really love it here.

So why in the hell would I consider moving, you ask? Well, here is the thing. I do not love my job. It's an excellent job, don't get me wrong, probably the best job I've ever had. But it's not what I wanted to do with my degree. It's not what I want to spend the next 20 years doing. It has gotten to the point where I feel like the life is being sucked out of my body every time I step into the office. And I am compelled by some strange and disturbing force to notice on a hourly basis that my life is racing by as I sit and earn my living. I feel like I am in an empty room watching all the choices I can't make (because I chose to be here) fly past my window on the way to some other person or life. I know that sounds a little melodramatic. But that is how I am and that is what it feels like.

The other thing is slightly more practical and that is, it's just too damn expensive here. To buy the tiny 600 sq. ft. condo we live in would cost about $500,000, plus a $550 monthly HOA. There is literally no way we can afford to buy here...ever. We can't even afford a double-wide trailer if you can believe that. I once saw a yurt for rent here on Craigslist for $500 a month. For those of you who don't know, that is basically a tent. And it was being rented for more than most houses are in other states! AND it was in a nudist colony up in the mountains, which in my opinion should decrease the value substantially. Ri-freaking-diculous! But moving on...

I guess now would be a good time to introduce the other half of the "we" I just mentioned. That would be Eduardo, and he really is my other half. We met about ten years ago, and have been together pretty much ever since. We have almost nothing in common except we both like the Green Bay Packers and agree that the best fried calamari in town is at Steamers. Other than that we are almost entirely opposites. We don't like the same kind of music, food, activities, interests, hobbies, we don't have the same kinds of personalities, or opinions, or anything else I can think of. We don't have similar backgrounds, or religious inclinations. Our native languages aren't even the same! Yet we are great together. It's truly a mystery how we have lasted this long when we can't even agree on what tennis shoes in a display window are the coolest looking pair. Yet here we are. Maybe it's because we have fun together, and live well together (in the same cramped space) that we have made it. Maybe it's because we are honest with each other always, and know that every day is a choice to be together. Maybe it's because we never quite know what to expect from each other, and can always make the other person laugh. I have no idea. But anyway. That is who I mean when I say "we". I mean Eduardo and I. 

So anyway, this past summer we both found ourselves thinking about the same thing. And that was "Is this how we want to spend the rest of our lives?" Sure it's been great fun living here, and exploring the state, but do we really want to be living in the same 600 sq.ft. apartment, paycheck to paycheck, at our not-so-perfect jobs, five or ten years from now. And we realized the answer was no. No, we don't want to always live without a back yard or a place to store bikes. On a personal level, no, I don't want to sit at my desk at work, or go out to construction sites every week for the next decade. I want to try something else

And what are these “something else’s” that are so compelling that they tempt me to quit the best job I've ever had and journey cross-country into the unknown wilds of the Midwest? I want an adventure. I've enjoyed the stability and routine of my life lately, but I'm just itching for a little unpredictability and excitement. (I hope that doesn't come back to haunt me!) I’d like to set my own work hours.I'd also like to own a house, and flip it maybe, and be able to set my imagination and creativity free on it. And finally I want a dog, two actually. I've wanted a dog for...ever, and I've never had one and I'm sick and tired of it! I am an adult in my mid thirties goddammit! I should have a dog if I want one!

I know what you're thinking. Or at least I think I do, because half of my brain is thinking the same thing. I want to give up a pretty sweet and secure life in wonderful California for a little adventure, a house, and a dog? Is that insane? (Especially since I could accomplish at least a couple of those here.) Probably. But the answer is yes. Yes, I think I do. I'm not 100% sure. (But I don't think I've been 100% sure about anything I've done in my life.) But I think I want to give it all up, everything I've worked for here, and try something new. It sounds crazy, even to me. And it sounds risky, and scary, and will probably be fraught with unexpected obstacles and disappointments and who knows what else I am not expecting. But I still want to try. And I wonder whether this will put a strain on my relationship with Eduardo, and whether we can handle the cold, dark winters. But I still want to try. I try to imagine living without the luxuries that I have become accustomed to, that I love, that are abundant here. I think about giving up my kickboxing classes, breakfast at the Cafe, Sunday morning market and football at the LGBG, Vic Sauce, and Jazz on the Plazz. And although my resolve begins to falter a little, I think yes, I still want to try.. Or I think I do...my palms are sweaty all of the sudden and my heart is racing a little. And I wonder why I hesitated on that last "yes". "The beginning of the end" pops back in my head, and I'm back where I started. But like I said before, I don't know what it means.

Introductions

Introducing Miss Meadowlawn Dr. Our first remodel!

This blog is going to be about our adventures in remodeling our first place. I'm a little late in starting it, since we already bought our house and begun renovations, but I have been keeping a personal journal ever since we decided to seriously consider it, so what I plan to do is post those entries for anyone interested in getting the full scoop on how this whole thing came about. And then hopefully I will continue on with more current news as we go along. It should be exciting because a.) We moved across the country into the middle of the worst winter the Midwest has seen in years to start this little journey, and b.) I've never bought a house or remodeled anything before in my life. Good times.
So, whether you plan to join me full time, or just check in once in a while to see how much trouble I am getting myself into, it should be an adventure. Read on to get the full scoop on how Miss Meadowlawn Dr. came to be ours. Deep breath and...here we go!