Just Do It Already...

What I look like when I'm making big decisions.

It's been a hectic few days here. I should have been writing every day, but I haven't had the energy. which usually means I'm overwhelmed. Just the thought of trying to explain how I feel is overwhelming!

But let me try.

Saturday Dad, Eduardo, Jon and I went to look at the Meadowlawn house. I was pretty amped. It's really nice from the outside, and it has a GREAT yard! It does back up to a gas station, which is potentially a problem, but a fence would probably take care of that. Anyway, the yard was huge, and had nice trees and was framed with pretty reeds. I could totally see bon fires and playing catch with the dog out there.

Except for the roof the house looked ok from the outside. It needs new gutters, and some landscaping, but really that's just clean up.

We went out to lunch and discussed financing, deciding it might work better for us to borrow money and make a low cash offer, rather than try to qualify for a mortgage. (I tried to get one myself on the way out here through Wells Fargo, but they denied me because my income to expense ratio was 55%, and for a second residence (which is what I was applying for) that is really important)).

We decided if we could borrow from DMI, Jon, and Eduardo's brother, plus what we have, maybe we could swing it.

Eduardo had to call his brother, but I was feeling optimistic, and I really liked the place. I could see myself in that house...at least for a few months, and the proximity to Starbucks, Panera, Meijer, Buffalo Wild Wings etc, is hard to beat. I actually LOVE the location.

Yesterday we went to look at the inside. We met the agent at 5:00, and it was freezing and dark. There was no power for some reason, so we had to go through the house with flashlights. It was like a dungeon.  All of the charm was gone. The house smelled smoky, and it was cold. It appeared to be in worse shape than it looked like from outside. There was leaking from the upstairs bathroom, and around the doorwall in the master bedroom, broken windows, the nicotine stains on the walls alone were pretty depressing. There was popcorn ceilings, the tiniest foyer I've ever seen, and some awkward layout. There was mold, and the flooring was all super awful. I felt pretty bummed. Dad however seemed confident that we could handle everything except the roof. And I'm inclined to believe him, but it just seems like it could add up to an awful lot of money. And it seems like maybe more work than I was expecting.

After looking at the house yesterday I think I was seeing the glass half empty rather than full. It suddenly felt super risky and overwhelming. I got cold feet. Both literally and figuratively since it was like 28 degrees in there. We came home and talked about it, and after I relaxed a little we decided that we still wanted to go ahead and make a cash offer of $55,000.

Then this morning we found out from the realtor that the house is on a septic, not city sewer like the listing said. So that's another blow. It could reduce the resale value by $5000 or more. And who knows what condition it is in, or if it’s even working? Dad doesn't seem too worried about it, saying that most of the houses up this way (with the exception of Port Huron) are on a septic and everyone is used to it, but I don't know. I think most of the houses there in Fort Gratiot are on sewer, and I'd be hesitant to buy a place in that area that didn't have it. I personally would be more comfortable on city sewer.

We all discussed it, and after I calmed down for the second time we called the real estate agent, and she said we could write an inspection into the offer. We discussed it more, and Dad convinced me. So we are going to go ahead and offer $55,000 pending the inspection.

I called her back and made an appointment for 11:30. Dad and Eduardo went to work on a tile job, so now I’m just sitting here, by myself, waiting to go. And I feel like throwing up. Lol! Isn’t that awful? It's not that I don't want to make the offer, it's just that I don't have near enough experience to be confident that the decisions we are making are the right ones for the situation. I trust Dad, but at the end of the day this is our decision, and “our” money, and we need to make the decisions and remember that WE are responsible for what happens, not Dad. I don't want him to feel responsible for this, and I have to make my own decision for myself. But without his opinion I would be completely lost. It’s all very confusing. And I have a lot of doubt right now. More than I’d like. I'm thinking to myself, why hasn't the house already sold? Why with all the “good” (and I am using that term loosely)  things about it is it still on the market? I'm wondering if it's still a good deal if we it for $55k? I'm wondering if in 4 months I'll be kicking myself for buying a place with a septic tank? I'm wondering if I'm just overreacting? I wonder if I'm underreacting? I wonder if buying this place is worth quitting my job in California? I wonder if we really have the potential to make $30k on it or if $15k is closer to the reality? I wonder if I'll be really disappointed if we put a lot of work into it and no one wants to buy it?

All these things are running through my mind, but I'm still going in 45 minutes to make an offer on it. In case you haven’t noticed I am totally FREAKING OUT.

Dad seems so calm about it, and I understand that he has been through this enough times to not be as nervous as Eduardo and I are. And intellectually I know that this is not the end of the world, whether we get it or not, whether it sells for more or not, but....if I am being totally honest, I FEEL like it is. I feel like we are right at the very edge of the world, dangling over a very steep precipice by nothing but our fingernails.

First of all the money we are borrowing from our families. That is a lot of pressure, and I hate being in debt. It will by far be the most debt I have ever been in, in my life. Second our whole life in California.  It might not be ideal, but we still worked very hard to get it. All of that is on the line with this purchase.  I'm considering trading a balmy and comfortable life in Cali for a stressful, unpredictable (but adventurous) life here in the snow-covered, frozen Midwest during the armpit of winter. And I'm doing it by betting on THIS house. And I have to tell you, right now, that sounds crazy. I literally feel like a crazy person right now.

I mean, is it even reasonable to think that I should not be freaked out about this? Is that even fair? I thought I’d feel so different when I made my first offer on a house! I want to be excited, and super stoked, but I’m nowhere near that now. Instead I'm feeling anxious, and unsure and sort of terrified, and nauseated. I'm suddenly wishing Eduardo and I were home in California right now, sitting on the couch watching TV, with a normal week behind and ahead of us. I don't want that for my whole life, but I really want that in this very moment. How absurd is that? It annoys me that I feel that way because I know it makes no sense. But I’m trying to be as honest as I can about this whole thing, and the truth is I’m feeling irrational, and I’m freaking out, and I feel like shit. What else can I say?

Moving from Los Gatos to Port Huron makes without the financial chance to get ahead, and that's why we are doing it, but...uggggggg! It's so hard.

At the same time I know that change, and the big decisions that predate it, always feels this way. Every time I have been through it, it feels the same. It scares the bujesus out of me, and it’s hard, and I’m nervous.  I also know that no one can make the decision for me. I have to do it, for myself. That’s why it’s so hard. Because I'll be the only one to blame if this turns out to be the dumbest thing I've even done. And I know that how I feel right now is not what I should be basing my decisions on, so I am going to go ahead with this because it's what I THINK is the best thing for Eduardo and I. Even though it doesn't feel like it.

I’ve been here before, and I understand what is happening, and I have to trust myself. I know what I want, but my fear is trying to convince me I feel differently. And I don’t want to make decisions, or not make them, because I am afraid. Nope. Not gonna happen. Not to this girl.

It's time to put aside these unruly thoughts, swallow the barf that is creeping up my esophagus, and do this!!!  It's time to move forward! It’s time to ignore the voice in my head screaming “Don’t do it! For the love of GOD, DON’T DO IT!!!!” All attempts at humor aside, it's time for me to put on my coat and my best game face and go to the real estate office and make an offer… that will probably change my life as I know it. I feel awful. But fuck it. I’m going anyway.