Wishy-Washy Me

My Haiku of the Day

I'm being so wishy washy. It's really annoying. And I feel really lame. But I don't mean to. I don't WANT to be. I’m exhausted and there are turning out to be lots more decisions than I was expecting, and it's all so overwhelming even though I know it shouldn't be. Two nights ago and yesterday morning I felt like walking away from all of it, the house, moving to Michigan. I was feeling extra homesick, and I was longing for something, anything familiar and known, and comfortable. I know Los Gatos inside and out. I literally know every pothole in the road there. I've lived there for 10 years, and I've loved it for 10 years. I have a lot of memories there, I know my way around, there aren't many surprises. I like that. I love that. I miss that. And so I've been moody and quiet and confused and sad, and a general all around depressing downer to be around. 

Eduardo said he was ok with doing whatever I wanted, including staying put in California. And that helped me feel a lot less pressured, and was actually a huge relief for me that I don’t have to worry about disappointing him. Now that I think about it, it was the most wonderful thing he could have said to me under the circumstances. It didn't fix anything really, but it made me feel a whole lot better. But I still had some hard choices to make.

I decided last night that if we get the house for $40000 I'll make the move, and make the most of it.

The hardest part is being in the middle where it could go either way. From this position it's hard to let go of either option because both could still happen, and  we could choose one just as easily as the other. And so I keep going back and forth. When I think things might swing one way I suddenly find myself leaning the opposite direction. If we knew one way or another what was going to happen with the house, I think that would help me out. If I knew for sure we got it, then I could focus on that and just not look back.