Nightmares and Voices

On the whole I've been feeling a little more positive about the pending move. Or maybe it’s because I am home, and feeling safe and comfortable again. Eduardo and dad found another house, and they seem excited about it. They are going to look at it today I think. I still have many moments where I have this...weird negative feeling about moving though. I can't tell if it's more because I don't want to leave here, or if it's more that I don't want to be there. Maybe it's a little bit of both. I moved away from there when I was 18, and there was a lot going on in my life and in our family, and it wasn’t the best time for me. Lots of not-so-great memories. I never planned on going back, and even now I don’t plan to stay long.

I had a distressing dream this morning. Eduardo and I were living in Port Huron, working at a McDonalds and living in an apartment that was attached to the back of it. Lol. It was pretty silly in retrospect, and totally unrealistic, but it was also TOTALLY terrifying. Our "home" was surrounded on 3 sides by the asphalt of a drive-thru, and on the fourth was the door into the restaurant. Needless to say I was pretty relieved to wake up in my own bed.

Me at work.

There are so many reasons I want to move, there are even more reasons why I think it's a good idea for Eduardo and I to give it a go. And I would love to live close by Dad again and be able to hang out whenever we want! But I cannot change the feeling I have that we shouldn't give up our life here, even though it doesn't have much potential for growth, even though I don't love my job, even though we are just barely getting by. I can't shake it either. It's just weird. And it's always the worst when I just wake up. I think about moving, and that inner voice in my head sits up and says "Are you fucking kidding me? Why on earth would you ever leave here unless you had to?"

But then I think about it and all these good reasons for going make it make more sense again, and...I just don't know what it means.

I think about spending the next ten years renting an apartment, tripping over all our stuff in our tiny space, going from paycheck to paycheck, sitting for days on end at my desk at work with nothing to do, and I know I don't want that. But there was a lot of good stuff in there too. Going out downtown, our trips to Tahoe, Yosemite, Vegas, hiking St. Josephs hill, Santa Cruz, the weather...

I really am excited for the chance to fix up a place, to get a dog, to have time to write, to explore new places, but in between is the reality of living in Port Huron, and all the negative vibes I have from when I was younger, and the uncertainty of how much money we will have and what kind of lifestyle that can support.

Uggg....I know, I know. I just go in circles. I just can't tell if I should listen to that inner voice, and trust it, or ignore it. I don't know if it's my "gut" talking, or if it's my fear. If it's the former I should heed it, but if it's the latter then I definitely don’t want to. I don't want to make decisions in my life out of fear. I keep telling myself that, and it’s the truth. But it doesn’t feel like fear, it feels like…reasonable doubt or instinct and it’s just so hard to ignore.

And over all of that, I wonder how shallow I really am that I am placing so much importance on this place or that? It shouldn't matter where I am as long as Eduardo and I are in a good place in terms of each other. I really believe that. I think as long as we go into it with a positive perspective and a healthy relationship, it really won't matter where we are. But then where is my positive attitude, and why am I making such a big deal out of this?  I’ll tell you, sometimes it is so exhausting to be me.