Big Decisions and the Crazies

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! So much for trying to write my way through this first buy. I say that because here we are at the threshold of getting our first place, and I've barely written in a month.

I'll try to recall as much as I can from when I last wrote.

We have gone through a couple iterations of offers on Meadowlawn. First, when I was still there in Michigan, we offered 40K and they dropped the price of the house to 59K based on the photos we sent in and countered with 57K. Then we offered back 45K and the closed the offer down. Then, last week, we offered 48K, they countered at 57 again, then we offered 51K with 10% deposit. Then they offered 55K with 10%...and that is where we are right now. We have till 9:00 am to accept the offer, and I think we are going to go for it.

But we (Eduardo and I) are both a little uncomfortable about it, and I don't know if that's normal or not. I feel like we should stick with what we (I) said, which was that 51K was our FINAL offer. I mean, at some point you have to know you will walk away right?  And then, you have to do it. But I talked to Dad about it and he thinks that in the big picture the 4K is not worth losing the house over. I think he is right, and that we could end up paying that in rent here while waiting to find another place...I mean it makes sense. But then it also makes me feel weird and uncomfortable, like my word isn't my word, because I keep breaking it. And it REALLY bothers me. I never go back on my word. Never. Maybe that's stupid to worry about at this point, or the wrong thing to be focused on, but I don't know. It bothers me.

Eduardo feels that we should counter again. And I guess we could do that, but dad seems to think we need to lock it up at 55K. Who knows who else might be interested in it again, and they could decline our offer and close it down again, and we could lose it because we wanted to save 2K. But I totally see his (Eduardo's) point. For us that's no small sum, and I feel like the condition of the place warrants a lower price and they really are trying to squeeze every penny they can out of us. And that kind of makes me feel taken advantage of to accept, But that's just a feeling. I talked to dad and he ran the numbers again, and everything still looks good. And he reminded me that they have come down 20K from what they were asking, and I have to agree that is pretty significant. Not that it is worth more than 55K in it's current condition, but rather we could have started offering much higher and paid a lot more for it than we would now.

So after much deliberation, I told Eduardo I want to go for it. After all the emotional stress, and mental anguish (LOL) I've suffered the last few months, after all the doubt and uncertainty and despite the strikes against the integrity of "my word" I think we should do it. Wh

at have I got to lose? (Don't answer that.)

I told Eduardo that there are no guarantees. I will do my best to make the most of this situation, but I can't promise anything. If  we get there and I have a mental breakdown and we need to come back here (or put me in an institution), then that is a risk we both need to be willing to take. I think I can handle it. And I think I'll be much more excited and focused when the big decisions have been made, and I think we should give it a try. But I can't say I know any of those things for sure. Some things you can only discover through experience. Sometimes thinking about it longer will not help and you just have to go for it.

I'm terrified of making a mistake with this move, and with this house. But at this point in my life I'm (only slightly) more afraid of the rest of it being dictated out of a place of fear. Out of all the things that haven't turned out as I imagined (some bad, but many and mostly good) this is the one that I dislike the most. I’ve stayed at my job for years because I have been afraid of giving it up.  And that is an awful feeling. So this is the one thing I want most to change. Instead of hiding behind “the safe road” I need to meet my fears head on and punch them in the nuts.  And so...I'm going to do it....by doing the scariest thing I can think of. I’m going to move across the country in the dead of the worst winter on record, and buying a house with a collapsing roof!

*OK. It's several hours later...about 10, and....I'm trying not to freak out about accepting the offer, but at the same time I am FREAKING out. (Eh, what’s new right?) But I'm doing it calmly;) I was fine this morning. Eduardo and I went for a long walk and we talked about our plans for the house and that was great. Then I met mom at Panera for coffee, and that was exciting to let her know about the house. Then we went shopping, and I started thinking about all the things I had to remember to get before we leave (in three weeks!?!?) and thats when I began to feel....fidgety. And ever since I got home I've been cleaning, and organizing, and pacing, and making lists and pacing, and cleaning, and thinking about all sorts of strange things. Like does Dad have enough room in his cabinets for my coffee cups and saucers, and should I start wearing hats more often since it will be winter and my hair gets static-y in the cold? I call these totally random thoughts "the Crazies", because that's what they are.

This is the first time I have sat still in hours, and the only reason I am able to is because I am writing. I don't feel bad or negative really, I just feel sort of tense and frantic. I'm suddenly thinking that three weeks is not very long, and we have so much to do! We have to figure out how we are going to ship everything, and how we are going to get our cars out there, and our insurance situation, and it's just a lot of stuff to have to get done. And I have to think about how we pack things since most of it is going into storage. What will we need to bring to dad's vs. what can be stored away for a few months. That will be a little tricky. And I've been walking around the house looking at everything wondering whether or not I could use it somewhere when we move. Should I take this plant? or that table? or how about these lamps? Should I bring all my paintings? Should I leave my orchids with mom? How about my spider plants. Should I only take one? If so, which one do I want to take? Where would I put it? 

I spent a half hour organizing my spices for no rational reason, combining containers of same spices, tossing out old ones. I stood with a jar of sesame seeds in my hand and stared at it for five minutes trying to decided whether or not I should bring it...WTF is wrong with me?!? I don't know if that's the normal thing to do after deciding to buy your first house or not. Either way it’s exhausting! And to be fair, I'm not the only one who is feeling a little...off. Eduardo came home and started cleaning out his dresser for no good reason. Lol. I definitely have it worse though.

In addition to all of that I keep thinking about what I'm going to tell my work. I still have to work and I haven't told them yet (I want to wait until after we get the inspections next week) but I don't really know what to say or how to say it. I keep wondering in the back of my mind if they would ever take me back if for some reason we decided to come back sooner than we expect? Then I try to ignore the question because I am trying to be upbeat and positive, and thinking about begging for my job back is NOT upbeat.

I slept for about 3 hours last night. The rest of it I was tossing and turning, having weird half awake dreams about black mold, and building stairs in garages, and wondering if we should or shouldn't accept the offer.  Despite my sleep meditation it was a pretty long, and unrestful night. And I've been clenching my jaw for….oh, about 36 hours. I can tell because I get headaches and my neck gets sore.  I feel pretty tired and a little overwhelmed now as a result. I think I'll definitely take something to help me sleep tonight. I don't even want to think about how frazzled I'd be tomorrow if I only got 3 hours tonight as well. These are desperate times, and I must do all I can to keep calm and carry on.