Break Time!

I couldn't sleep again last night. Sometimes when I feel that way it is so much easier to just get up. I woke up (wide awake) at 1:30, then fell back asleep, then woke up again at 3:45, and been awake ever since. I tried to fall back asleep, and to be quiet so I don't wake up Eduardo, but at 5:30 I couldn't take it anymore. So I got up and made coffee (glorious coffee!!!) and decided to start my day a little earlier than I wfiupyxrt4w3t[...Sorry! A spider just crawled on the arm of my chair and I had to kill it with the keyboard...now where was I? Oh yes, so I am starting a little earlier than I had planned. And that is ok, because it’s better than trying to sleep.

I am picking up mom at 9:00 and we are heading up to Napa. I wanted to get in one more fun memorable adventure with her before Eduardo and I take off for Michigan. And what better way to do that than a trip to Napa? She was there the first time I went, so it is fitting that she be there for the last time…well, until this summer anyway;) And we always manage to have loads of fun, so I am looking forward to it. It should be relaxing, and a nice break from all the chaos that is surrounding me here right now. My world view at the moment is feeling very narrow, and a day in the sunshine, and a couple glasses of wine are just the ticket to rest that view. Additionally I am going to try super hard not to be sad or feel bummed out, or freak out about the fact that I am leaving my glorious, wonderful, beautiful, home behind for the “Arctic Vortex” as they are calling the weather in the Midwest it now. Sounds like a solid plan right? Am I crazy? Maybe. Oh, well. I’m off to Napa, so who cares!

Don't have a Heart Attack...Seriously.

So after I went to bed last night I noticed that my heart was racing a little, and then doing "weird" things. I had Eduardo listen to it and he confirmed that it was beating really fast, then pausing, then beating regular all in different intervals...and that's what it felt like. I get that once in a while, but usually it goes away. Well, last night I dreamed about it all night, I was trying to explain to people, (my mom, the doctor) what was happening, over and over. And then when I woke up this morning it was STILL happening! I got freaked out, and almost went to the hospital, but then I texted Dad, and he said that's what happens to him sometimes, and it's just anxiety. I felt much better to know that I'm not dying, so that was a relief.  But that didn't stop it from happening and scaring the shit out of me all day long! I am super exhausted, and my back hurts, and I'm all tense. It really sucks!

Especially because I wasn't feeling stressed! Emotionally I've been feeling pretty good lately, so I don't think that's it, but...I still hadn't given my two weeks notice as of this morning, and it occurred to me that it might be stressing me out more than I think, and maybe that's why this is happening. So I did that first thing when I got to work reasoning that if it was causing me stress then it would go away after I finally sent the letter. But it's been coming and going all day. It was pretty bad about 10 minutes ago, but I feel slightly better now. At 11:11 this morning I felt totally normal. And I feel like I am freaking Eduardo out, but I am also freaking myself out! And I can't seem to make it stop. I tried meditating twice, but I had no luck. It's really hard to focus when it feels like my heart is shouting
"Oh shit! This is it! You're gonna die now!.....Just kidding. I feel better now. You're fine. You're not going to die...Everything is going to be just...No! Wait! You are gonna die! You are gonna die! I can't hold on anymore! Seriously it's going to happen any second now!...No...hold on...I'm feeling a little better... yep, everything seems normal again. Woohoo!...Wait, what the....Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! Nope. I was wrong! I was wrong. I'm dying! I'm dying! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!"

WTF is wrong with me?!

Anyway, so while all of that was going on I was at work so I also sent the letter, like I said, giving my two-weeks notice, something I've been dreading with all my heart (no pun intended). I was desperate, and suddenly it didn't seem like such a big deal to resign if it would make that awful feeling go away. It didn't. And I sent Julie all the paperwork back, signed. I have to send her proof of funds tomorrow so Eduardo and I are going to work on that tonight, getting everything together. 

Work was pretty silent on my resignation. I got a brief letter from my boss wishing me luck, and that was it. No one else has said anything. I only sent it to Ted and Pat, so maybe no one else got it yet? I don't know. I guess I don't really care at this point anyway. Oh crap...there it goes again. It's like my heart is moving around inside me. Ugg...

I'm meeting mom at Panera for a "celebration" of me quitting my job, and then I am going home and flopping on the couch, or maybe taking a bath and then flopping on the couch. I don't feel much like celebrating, but she insisted, and I didn't think drinking would be a good idea with my "heart condition", so that's why we chose Panera. And it will be good to spend some time together before I leave, so really it is a good idea. And maybe it will take my mind of my crazy heart.

Holy crap though, I can't wait for this day to be over. Seriously.

A Good Day

I've been trying not to worry so much about the move and everything associated with it. It's one of my New Years resolutions. It's so hard for me NOT to worry about anything, that I've come to conclude that worry is a natural part of my mental makeup. This has me worried that I might take years off my life with all the stress I am constantly under, and that only makes it worse!

Anyway, as I am sure one can see, I have been pretty stressed out by this whole moving thing. So in an attempt to *gasp* actually enjoy it, I have been trying really hard not to worry so much about everything. So what if we didn't get the roof looked at a week ago like we planned? So what if the inspection has been postponed till tomorrow? So what if I haven't told work yet? So what if Michigan is having the coldest winter on record? So what if shipping all our stuff costs way more than any of it is worth? I keep telling myself that it will all be fine, that none of it is really a big deal in the grand scheme of things...But then last night I have all these crazy dreams about things going wrong. I dreamed I found a half starved dog in the trunk of my car, that we couldn't fix the bad parts of the foundation of the house ourselves and had to pay lots of money to have it done, I dreamed that I overheard people talking about how I was too old to be starting over like this, that I should have done it when I was younger, and finally I dreams that some of my paintings blew into the lake and I was trying to save them, but the wind kept lifting them up and carrying them away, and no body was helping me, not even Eduardo! It's a good thing I don't believe dreams mean anything or I'd be freaking out right now.

So if you can understand what I mean, I feel worried, even though I am not really worried this morning! And I am feeling kind of annoyed with Eduardo (since he didn't help me in my dream) even though he didn't do anything! Lol. Poor guy! Ha ha. He just can't win;) So I am making cinnamon rolls, and hoping that helps get me on the right path today.

Over all, I am still feeling pretty good about the move. I'm not getting that weird feeling when I wake up anymore. Maybe my brain has just resigned itself to the fact that this is actually going to happen, and no longer feels compelled to freak me out. So I guess it's turning out to be a pretty good day!

Should it Stay or Should it Go?

So I officially started packing yesterday. I had to go to work in the morning, but I was done around noon. I was suddenly in the mood to get started. I began with our Packers shrine, and moved on to some photos we had hanging on the wall in the bedroom. Then I tackled my vanity, with all my hair stuff, and make up and jewelry. I tried to be patient and go through everything because I don't want to drag a bunch of junk with me, I made it through all of that stuff, then I moved on to my closet and shoes and purses (the latter of which I only have 5, including the one I am using now). I began to clean out under the bed, trying really had to sort everything into piles. Keep, give away, and throw away. I'd say I made a little progress, but compared to the mess I made it seems like very little. And it's hard to go through everything because some of it I just forgot I had, and some of it (like my paintings) I love but just don't have room for here, and so it started getting tricky. I haven't used many things, or hung up many of my paintings. Does that mean I don't need them, and should get rid of them? Or would that be exactly the wrong thing to do since we are finally going somewhere where we will have room! I don't know.

I have a surprisingly large art collection for someone of my age and...economic standing. Much of it is my own work of course, but I've accumulated quite a few other works from various people. But I digress.

Anyway I worked for a solid five hours yesterday and felt completely brain dead by 5:30. There are so many decisions to make when packing. One box could include 20 of them, and while some are easy, others are difficult for no apparent reason. I went back and forth deciding whether or not to keep a bag of elastic (the kind you use to sew into clothes) I found. For some reason that was a tough one. Another one was a jacket I bought in China. I have NEVER worn it. It's kind of tight across the chest (and like an XXXXL in Chinese sizing, which is not so great for my self esteem). But I've kept it all these years. I kept telling myself that I'd never have the chance to get another one so I should keep it. But then I was like WTF? I never wear it, so who cares if I can't get another one?  But a little voice inside my head suggested maybe I'll wear it someday. It urged me to consider the possibility that maybe my boobs will miraculously shrink, and one day, years from now, I'll think to myself, "Dammit. I wish I had that green silk jacket from China!", and feel such remorse and regret for not having kept it for the past 15 years. It was an emotionally complicated decision and felt unusually important for something that has been buried in my closet for 4 years. Uggg...but that's how you feel when you are on you 245th item and decision.  

I'm going to get back at it today, but I definitely need to take it slow. When I start feeling exhausted or worn out I just need to stop. This morning Eduardo looked at me and asked "How do you have so much stuff?!" And it's true. I do have a lot of stuff. But I get rid of junk all the time, so I am not entirely sure how it is that I still have so much. Most everything I have means something to me. All my knick-knacks are from my travels, or one of a kind pieces. I've got shells I collected diving in Florida, and rocks I found at field camp, I have scrolls I bought in China, and pine cones I collected in the Sierra. I've got Art Deco lamps from the 1920's that came from Granny's (my grandparents antique store), and my name in brass letters from mom and my hand made Petri dish (bowl) that I got from Jason for my birthday. I have old family photos and original art. I have a few concert posters from shows that I actually went to and Christmas decorations I bought in France...I don't want to get rid of any of that!

Some stuff is just taking up space I think, but I feel for some reason that I just can't part it. It's part of my past, or it would be a shame for it to end up in a land fill. I have a couple of boxes of old school stuff, notebooks, and things that I wanted to keep, because how could I throw them away? I have a small valise with ALL of the stuff I kept from grad school! That is hardly anything at all! Yet I still have so much stuff! Boxes of photos and negatives that I can't do anything with, but can't throw out either. 

Men of Action Save the Day

Pho for lunch and writing...

I am on day 5 of my aggravating and relentless headache. I think it's probably a combination of not sleeping very well and stress. I spent half of last night awake trying to decide if it was really worth the expense of moving our furniture back east, or if we should just sell it all and hope we could buy new when we got there. I went back and forth a hundred times. "I want to keep my stuff. But it's not worth the shipping cost. But we wouldn't be able to replace it for what we'd sell it for on Craigslist. But maybe it's time to let some of it go. But why would I do that when we can't afford to get new stuff? But we don't need new stuff yet. We are staying with Dad. But we'll need stuff eventually, and it would be nice to have some of our favorite and familiar pieces. Like my reading chair. But you can get another reading chair. But I don't want another reading chair...." And on and on. I even got up early to think about it all. I wanted to get it all sorted out (the pros and cons) and know what I thought the solution was before Eduardo got up and we discussed it. And I wanted to have it done today, because I really didn't feel like staying up half the night again tonight thinking about it.

Eduardo and I discussed the options briefly while I got ready for work. But we didn't decide anything.

Then he called me a couple hours later, and said he had reserved the storage truck, and told me when it would be dropped off, and how many days it would take, and just like that it was done! No more stressing about yes or no, it's just done! We are taking whatever we can fit in there with us. And that's it. Lol. Excellent! What a load off my mind. Isn't he the best?  I tell you, I love a man of action. And it plays super well against my crazy neurotic compulsive worrying don't you think?

And then I've been in contact with the real estate agent, trying to sort out who/where the deposit goes, and how the inspections will work. I texted Daddy to see if he could help figure that stuff out, and he's already taken care of it! He already talked to the septic guy who is confident that the septic will be fine (but he is going to look in the tank just to make sure) and he's got someone coming out to do an inspection of the whole place and give us an estimate on how much it will cost to fix up. Also excellent! It's just such a relief that he is there and knows who to call and what needs to be done, and is willing to coordinate everything with Julie. I don't know what Eduardo and I would have done if he wasn't there to lead the way. Well, first of all we wouldn't be buying a house I suppose... I know whatever stress I am feeling would be a thousand times worse if he wasn't helping us, so I am feeling extra super grateful.

So today is shaping up to be a great day. 

It  is (obviously) slow here at work, and I am once again reminded of one of the reasons why I want to move. I'm thinking about all the things we will be doing once we have the house and move. No more long boring days I'll wager. But this is nice too. At least for a few more weeks. And I am going to try to enjoy being here, at this wonderful job that I don't love, while I still have the chance. Then I'm going to have another cup of coffee and daydream about what is to come.

Big Decisions and the Crazies

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! So much for trying to write my way through this first buy. I say that because here we are at the threshold of getting our first place, and I've barely written in a month.

I'll try to recall as much as I can from when I last wrote.

We have gone through a couple iterations of offers on Meadowlawn. First, when I was still there in Michigan, we offered 40K and they dropped the price of the house to 59K based on the photos we sent in and countered with 57K. Then we offered back 45K and the closed the offer down. Then, last week, we offered 48K, they countered at 57 again, then we offered 51K with 10% deposit. Then they offered 55K with 10%...and that is where we are right now. We have till 9:00 am to accept the offer, and I think we are going to go for it.

But we (Eduardo and I) are both a little uncomfortable about it, and I don't know if that's normal or not. I feel like we should stick with what we (I) said, which was that 51K was our FINAL offer. I mean, at some point you have to know you will walk away right?  And then, you have to do it. But I talked to Dad about it and he thinks that in the big picture the 4K is not worth losing the house over. I think he is right, and that we could end up paying that in rent here while waiting to find another place...I mean it makes sense. But then it also makes me feel weird and uncomfortable, like my word isn't my word, because I keep breaking it. And it REALLY bothers me. I never go back on my word. Never. Maybe that's stupid to worry about at this point, or the wrong thing to be focused on, but I don't know. It bothers me.

Eduardo feels that we should counter again. And I guess we could do that, but dad seems to think we need to lock it up at 55K. Who knows who else might be interested in it again, and they could decline our offer and close it down again, and we could lose it because we wanted to save 2K. But I totally see his (Eduardo's) point. For us that's no small sum, and I feel like the condition of the place warrants a lower price and they really are trying to squeeze every penny they can out of us. And that kind of makes me feel taken advantage of to accept, But that's just a feeling. I talked to dad and he ran the numbers again, and everything still looks good. And he reminded me that they have come down 20K from what they were asking, and I have to agree that is pretty significant. Not that it is worth more than 55K in it's current condition, but rather we could have started offering much higher and paid a lot more for it than we would now.

So after much deliberation, I told Eduardo I want to go for it. After all the emotional stress, and mental anguish (LOL) I've suffered the last few months, after all the doubt and uncertainty and despite the strikes against the integrity of "my word" I think we should do it. Wh

at have I got to lose? (Don't answer that.)

I told Eduardo that there are no guarantees. I will do my best to make the most of this situation, but I can't promise anything. If  we get there and I have a mental breakdown and we need to come back here (or put me in an institution), then that is a risk we both need to be willing to take. I think I can handle it. And I think I'll be much more excited and focused when the big decisions have been made, and I think we should give it a try. But I can't say I know any of those things for sure. Some things you can only discover through experience. Sometimes thinking about it longer will not help and you just have to go for it.

I'm terrified of making a mistake with this move, and with this house. But at this point in my life I'm (only slightly) more afraid of the rest of it being dictated out of a place of fear. Out of all the things that haven't turned out as I imagined (some bad, but many and mostly good) this is the one that I dislike the most. I’ve stayed at my job for years because I have been afraid of giving it up.  And that is an awful feeling. So this is the one thing I want most to change. Instead of hiding behind “the safe road” I need to meet my fears head on and punch them in the nuts.  And so...I'm going to do it....by doing the scariest thing I can think of. I’m going to move across the country in the dead of the worst winter on record, and buying a house with a collapsing roof!

*OK. It's several hours later...about 10, and....I'm trying not to freak out about accepting the offer, but at the same time I am FREAKING out. (Eh, what’s new right?) But I'm doing it calmly;) I was fine this morning. Eduardo and I went for a long walk and we talked about our plans for the house and that was great. Then I met mom at Panera for coffee, and that was exciting to let her know about the house. Then we went shopping, and I started thinking about all the things I had to remember to get before we leave (in three weeks!?!?) and thats when I began to feel....fidgety. And ever since I got home I've been cleaning, and organizing, and pacing, and making lists and pacing, and cleaning, and thinking about all sorts of strange things. Like does Dad have enough room in his cabinets for my coffee cups and saucers, and should I start wearing hats more often since it will be winter and my hair gets static-y in the cold? I call these totally random thoughts "the Crazies", because that's what they are.

This is the first time I have sat still in hours, and the only reason I am able to is because I am writing. I don't feel bad or negative really, I just feel sort of tense and frantic. I'm suddenly thinking that three weeks is not very long, and we have so much to do! We have to figure out how we are going to ship everything, and how we are going to get our cars out there, and our insurance situation, and it's just a lot of stuff to have to get done. And I have to think about how we pack things since most of it is going into storage. What will we need to bring to dad's vs. what can be stored away for a few months. That will be a little tricky. And I've been walking around the house looking at everything wondering whether or not I could use it somewhere when we move. Should I take this plant? or that table? or how about these lamps? Should I bring all my paintings? Should I leave my orchids with mom? How about my spider plants. Should I only take one? If so, which one do I want to take? Where would I put it? 

I spent a half hour organizing my spices for no rational reason, combining containers of same spices, tossing out old ones. I stood with a jar of sesame seeds in my hand and stared at it for five minutes trying to decided whether or not I should bring it...WTF is wrong with me?!? I don't know if that's the normal thing to do after deciding to buy your first house or not. Either way it’s exhausting! And to be fair, I'm not the only one who is feeling a little...off. Eduardo came home and started cleaning out his dresser for no good reason. Lol. I definitely have it worse though.

In addition to all of that I keep thinking about what I'm going to tell my work. I still have to work and I haven't told them yet (I want to wait until after we get the inspections next week) but I don't really know what to say or how to say it. I keep wondering in the back of my mind if they would ever take me back if for some reason we decided to come back sooner than we expect? Then I try to ignore the question because I am trying to be upbeat and positive, and thinking about begging for my job back is NOT upbeat.

I slept for about 3 hours last night. The rest of it I was tossing and turning, having weird half awake dreams about black mold, and building stairs in garages, and wondering if we should or shouldn't accept the offer.  Despite my sleep meditation it was a pretty long, and unrestful night. And I've been clenching my jaw for….oh, about 36 hours. I can tell because I get headaches and my neck gets sore.  I feel pretty tired and a little overwhelmed now as a result. I think I'll definitely take something to help me sleep tonight. I don't even want to think about how frazzled I'd be tomorrow if I only got 3 hours tonight as well. These are desperate times, and I must do all I can to keep calm and carry on.  

Nightmares and Voices

On the whole I've been feeling a little more positive about the pending move. Or maybe it’s because I am home, and feeling safe and comfortable again. Eduardo and dad found another house, and they seem excited about it. They are going to look at it today I think. I still have many moments where I have this...weird negative feeling about moving though. I can't tell if it's more because I don't want to leave here, or if it's more that I don't want to be there. Maybe it's a little bit of both. I moved away from there when I was 18, and there was a lot going on in my life and in our family, and it wasn’t the best time for me. Lots of not-so-great memories. I never planned on going back, and even now I don’t plan to stay long.

I had a distressing dream this morning. Eduardo and I were living in Port Huron, working at a McDonalds and living in an apartment that was attached to the back of it. Lol. It was pretty silly in retrospect, and totally unrealistic, but it was also TOTALLY terrifying. Our "home" was surrounded on 3 sides by the asphalt of a drive-thru, and on the fourth was the door into the restaurant. Needless to say I was pretty relieved to wake up in my own bed.

Me at work.

There are so many reasons I want to move, there are even more reasons why I think it's a good idea for Eduardo and I to give it a go. And I would love to live close by Dad again and be able to hang out whenever we want! But I cannot change the feeling I have that we shouldn't give up our life here, even though it doesn't have much potential for growth, even though I don't love my job, even though we are just barely getting by. I can't shake it either. It's just weird. And it's always the worst when I just wake up. I think about moving, and that inner voice in my head sits up and says "Are you fucking kidding me? Why on earth would you ever leave here unless you had to?"

But then I think about it and all these good reasons for going make it make more sense again, and...I just don't know what it means.

I think about spending the next ten years renting an apartment, tripping over all our stuff in our tiny space, going from paycheck to paycheck, sitting for days on end at my desk at work with nothing to do, and I know I don't want that. But there was a lot of good stuff in there too. Going out downtown, our trips to Tahoe, Yosemite, Vegas, hiking St. Josephs hill, Santa Cruz, the weather...

I really am excited for the chance to fix up a place, to get a dog, to have time to write, to explore new places, but in between is the reality of living in Port Huron, and all the negative vibes I have from when I was younger, and the uncertainty of how much money we will have and what kind of lifestyle that can support.

Uggg....I know, I know. I just go in circles. I just can't tell if I should listen to that inner voice, and trust it, or ignore it. I don't know if it's my "gut" talking, or if it's my fear. If it's the former I should heed it, but if it's the latter then I definitely don’t want to. I don't want to make decisions in my life out of fear. I keep telling myself that, and it’s the truth. But it doesn’t feel like fear, it feels like…reasonable doubt or instinct and it’s just so hard to ignore.

And over all of that, I wonder how shallow I really am that I am placing so much importance on this place or that? It shouldn't matter where I am as long as Eduardo and I are in a good place in terms of each other. I really believe that. I think as long as we go into it with a positive perspective and a healthy relationship, it really won't matter where we are. But then where is my positive attitude, and why am I making such a big deal out of this?  I’ll tell you, sometimes it is so exhausting to be me.