The First One that Got Away

Reject number 1

Today I am feeling a little nervous. It's not any one thing it particular but a combination of a bunch of small things that has me feeling...concerned. Just the fact that I already have concerns after one day of quasi-deciding to go for the move is a concern!

Yesterday when I got home Eduardo asked me if I thought moving was the "right thing to do", as if I really might have a definitive answer to that question. It makes me think he is having second thoughts. It makes me think maybe he is wishing we'd just stay here? Why else would he ask me? And the truth is I have absolutely no idea if it's the right thing or not. How can you even tell? Things get too deep and philosophical as soon as I start contemplating that question, and I don't have time to go down that rabbit hole. (But just a fair warning, knowing myself I probably will expound upon it at length at some point...)

Another thing is that the house that I liked the best (we've compiled a list of possibilities and dad is back there checking them out for us) turned out to be a total no-go. It was so bad he didn't even bother to send us additional photos. I know, of course, that it is much too early to start getting attached to places, especially if our intention is the fix it up and flip it, but somehow it happens anyway. That's how my brain works. I see a place and then try to imagine us living there. If I can see us barbecuing in the back yard, or curled up on the couch in the living room watching football, then it has a chance. If I can imagine playing with the dog in a foot of snow in the back yard, or sitting on the patio watching a thunderstorm, then I can say to myself, yes, that's someplace people would want to live. That's a place other people would spend money on. That's the kind of place where holidays are celebrated and life is enjoyed. (And I can tell all of this from blurry photo's on Zillow. Ha ha.)

If I can't see any of those things then...well, it's tough for me to be on board with it. If I can't picture myself there, how could anyone else? Fortunately (or not) I have a pretty big imagination, so not too many places really turn me off. But on the flip side, then I find myself feeling like I do, strangely attached to houses and things that were never mine in the first place. 

Anyway, dad went to look at this cute little place on our behalf yesterday and...it failed miserably. The pictures lied! (Gasp! I know, can you believe it?) It was in worse shape, and smaller, and less insulated, and a whole bunch of other awful things I can't remember, than we were hoping. But for the miserable reject of a property that it was I'd already imagined standing out on the front steps in the middle of a crisp winter morning, sipping a cup of coffee and squinting into the sun while the dogs chased a squirrel all over the front yard making bizarre tracks through the freshly fallen snow! I'd already pictured myself and Eduardo in the garage working on our car (some kind of classic that we don't own yet), me handing him tools and sipping a home-brewed beer while the dogs sleep on the floor and a summertime rain patters down gently outside. But now those things will never be. And it makes me feel sad even though I know it's ridiculous and silly of me. Anyway. I guess I should try harder to be more careful about my wandering imagination. Or perhaps I should not look at houses when my hormones are doing whatever they tend to do at certain times of the month...

The third thing that's got me anxious is money. Where will we get enough to buy the house? How will we pay for our expenses? How will we live before we sell the house?

Yeah, so anyway, I'm feeling a little discouraged and anxious today. I'm sure it will pass, and things will be brighter tomorrow. And I'm not so discouraged that I want to give up or anything, I just think it is important to document both the good and the bad, the highs and the lows of this process. Today just happens to be the latter.